9:40 p.m. - 2021-08-05
Ra ra ra
Worked another 12 hour today and looks like I will continue this pattern until next June.
I decided last minute to enroll in advanced mind/body clearing class because I feel like I'm ready to take that on again. It was too hard for me to dive deep or bring up any negative aspects of myself for clearing this time last year. I was in survival mode then. Now I'm not exactly thriving, but things have pretty much leveled off. When I feel things are on the level and money is coming in then I'm open to taking classes and doing work on myself again. Though I'm not really ready to join a gym, and I haven't even been swimming at the hot springs after work..I just want to come straight home, then maybe go for a run or exercise here instead.
Jojo has been super helpful lately. She cleaned out and reorganized the fridge and today she made sure to heat up a pizza so it be ready by the time I got home from work. I taught her how to make guacamole last night and she was so excited!
So in my clearing class I'm supposed to think about the day I had at the end of it, and try to think of any rocks I stumbled over (triggers) to work on.
I can't think of any, I mean I got annoyed a few times by some of my riders, and then having to back out of a long street because they blocked the road off without telling us. But it didn't really set me off. I mean, nothing made my heart pound uncontrollably.
Well wait...this morning Rainbow's friend that I've been talking to about ufo's and work on my plane sent me a picture of him outdoors without a shirt on. I wasn't really sure how to take that so I just replied "oh out for a run".. and he said yeah on a 15 mile hike. Maybe it was nothing to him, but one I get sort of grossed out seeing men topless. And two, I don't want any dude to like or pursue me in anyway. So maybe that was a stone I tripped over. But I think I handled it well. It's just always my worry that I'll be pursued by someone I'm not interested in. And I don't want to come across like that to anyone either, even when I am interested in them. Yeah I wish I had a good relationship with a girlfriend now, but I'm too uncertain about pursuing anything based on past relationships. So I just fantasize about the perfect romance instead, because at least in fantasy I know nothing can go wrong.
I did get a little bothered though in the Telegram chats during my work breaks as I couldn't fully participate in the voice chats, and I just couldn't think of much to contribute to the choppy conversations.
Alara asked what time works best for anyone interested in a "class" on the Law of One books. I didn't reply but thought about asking "class or study group", because if it's a class who the hell is teaching it??? Steff keeps warning me to stay away from those books that they are all programing. I've been so tempted to read it, but I'm just not so sure. There is so much channeld stuff out there, who knows if we are being lied to.
I think maybe I might start a dream voice chat group though, maybe see if Jen would want to do that with me.
I guess another stone I'm kicking around is just not being sure of who to trust, and wondering what people are actually thinking about me.
Anyway..the CBD sleep remedy is kicking in and my stupid bladder is bugging me..great.
