10:08 p.m. - 2021-08-07
Goodbye Andy
Went to bed exhausted last night after driving my weekly double shift. I was trying to imagine doing this like groundhog day until next June. Either my endurance will build up, or it will wear me out like a tattered flag still trying to hold tight to my pride.
I gave in to making dinner and took Jo out to Mexican..it was good but I ordered too much and couldn't finish.
Past out in bed around 10:30 then slept in until 9am. I had this dream I was in a room with some people (not sure who they were) and a rattle snake. The snake was sort of following me around and I was trying hard to keep away from it as it looked threatening, but sure enough it bit me on my right hand. I was trying to get everyones attention at this huge wound I had and asking them what I should do, but nobody really cared, they were just doing their own thing.
So this morning I looked up the meaning to that kind of dream. It means be wary of who I'm giving to, and I may be taken advantage of.. rattle snakes are warning of not paying attention to signs around me. So of course I got all worried today thinking about all these new friends I've made and groups/classes I've joined. Nothing much has really set off a red flag..I mean with them like during my trip I only got back what I put in. I haven't put in too much yet either because I like to observe awhile first and of course I feel safer meeting people in person before trusting them online.
But then one thing that happened tonight to really set me off was that Andy went off on me on FB, threw the F bomb on me because of a few post I made about the government and the jab. The only times in the past he's talked to me like that was when he was drunk, which I'm sure he was tonight, and he is also proud of being diagnosed bi-polar, so that gives him yet another excuse to justify is bad behavior. Well his little manic episode was the last straw. Over the years of us going through high school and being roommates in our 20's I was a bit of a broken girl, use to taking the abuse from others because I was tapped out emotionally already. When we were in high school he wanted to go out with me but I refused and he'd always tell me "nobody will ever love you like me" and all sorts of crazy shit. Then he'd threaten suicide and call me up all screaming, cut himself up and end up in hospital. He was very abusive and manipulative with his girlfriends in his 20's and took on this rockstar attitude. His dad was a big attorney who always got him out of trouble.
Spoke to him maybe 6 or so months ago, I don't know but all he's doing is living off his girlfriend, and remixing old music he made way back in his 20's. He's so stuck in the past and dependent on others to take care of him now it's pathetic.
I just can't hang onto that past part of my life. I'm letting go of him and everyone else who is still stuck in the 80's and 90's.
I'm hoping I can find new people who know themselves, and are honest and trustworthy.
