9:11 p.m. - 2021-06-20
Spaceport
I did nothing much but lay around all day again exhausted. I did two double shifts (12 hours) driving the bus from 6:45am-7:00pm Thursday and Friday. I really don't like doing that, but since I'm taking Tuesday off for a funeral, and then next Monday off for my 50th birthday I need to make some extra $ to make up for it.
Yesterday Sal and I flew out to Mojave air and space port for lunch. There was suppose to be some big shindig going on there, but hardly anyone showed up, and there were only a few planes out there on the ramp. In fact a group of kids were filming us on their phones as we taxied in..then later went to peek in our windows..it was so cute!
It was 106 there in the desert, and I was so tired from the week that I just wanted to fly home.
I had this dream about Grey last night, that we were being intimate together. It is so strange because we haven't spoken for so long, then out of the blue came this dream. I have no idea why I would have dreamt that.
I have been hiding out a lot, not really talking much to anyone, nor interested in my usual chat conversations I follow. It's like I feel like I'm eavesdropping sometimes into their conversations..I can't just bud in. It reminds me of the days of phone party lines, the ones that you'd call to meet people, or there would be just groups of people talking away. I just never got that.
I haven't been reading, meditating or exercising either. I just want to sleep and I find that difficult sometimes as well.
I bought Cassandra at work this journal with a bunch of questions and prompts to help you write. She's just beginning the divorce process after 20 some years together and trying to connect with herself and figure out what she wants. So I thought it make a really good and helpful gift for her.
I always give gifts, I hope it doesn't make people feel uncomfortable when I do..it's just something I feel I have to do. I see something that reminds me of someone, or I think they could use..if It's in my price range I'll get it for them.
Cassandra is someone special. I knew that the first time I saw her at work. I sort of mentioned that to Bev but she wasn't impressed back then. Now she really likes her. It's weird because sometimes when I first lay eyes on someone I can tell that there is something special about them and then I'm drawn to them. Now the something special can be they may be a wolf in sheep's clothing that will fuck me over and teach me a lesson big time (Like Francine) or they may turn out to be a good friend or lover..or just some important life lesson teacher for me. Now that I think about it, maybe I am to them as well..
Things to do this week: go to Costco for new bifocals, go to a walk in clinic for sleeping pill prescription, clean house for Steff and Rainbow's visit.
Tomorrow I fly with Jo to Fresno for Jim's rosary and memorial. Hate family get togethers like that.
While we were watching Spaceforce News tonight I asked Sal if he remembers when the aliens came to visit us when we lived out in the country. He asked if it was back when we were together, and I said yes when there were all those sonic booms going on outside. He said when you sat up panicking in bed because they were standing at the foot of our bed... I said I don't remember seeing anything but remember waking up panicking. Actually one time I just kept pretending I was asleep in hopes it would stop, then woke up regular. That kept happening over and over back then. Then it stopped for years until she came to visit me and it was the most beautiful experience ever.
I feel so disconnected from everything right now. A part of it is me putting up a wall. Last time I felt I was making connections I soon felt I was being rejected, so I'm back to protecting myself again.
I feel like Bev and her wife are upset with me because I took a few double shifts and she goes on and on about how broke they are all the time and how she needs the extra work.
I just don't understand how they can be so broke when they both have full time jobs. I don't want them to try and guilt me if I do extra work because I want to make a little extra $. I don't talk about my finances with people. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions about this.
Anyway, I better sip some Zzquil and get to sleep now...
