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9:04 p.m. - 2020-03-29
No hugs
Honestly I don't know why I go through long stretches without writing here...
Now that my world has turned upside down again its a good time to start.
It seemed like just a few weeks back I was so happy and everything was going as planned until the carpet got pulled out from under me. I just don't understand all this.. my old friends bounced back into my life, I reconnected with someone I'm attracted to, got front row tickets to a dream concert and then everything was stolen from me. I can't see my friends, concerts canceled and I can see nothing good in my future.
I don't even want to think or read anymore about the politics, the conspiracy theories, the guilt trips or the fear because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I feel like I'm being bombarded with poisonous darts filling me with more anxiety and depression. I try to think my way out of this, which usually I can and start to feel a small glimmer of hope, but I cannot feel a thing. Nothing feels right, it's all over this awkward empty feeling.
I still have to work, drive my bus and paratransit vehicles to take people to their doctors or work. I drive through emptiness, with very few people on the roads or out in the open. The tourist beach towns I live by are deserted. Everyone is hiding, and the ones who aren't pass each other by flashing the usual awkward smile.
All my hopes and dreams for my near future are shattered, wasted away. I fear this is going to become the norm now, but I won't give energy into that now.
It has been such a cold, damp and grey spring. I start to do a garden project, then the sun disappears behind a cloud and the rain begins.. back inside I go.
I've gone on a few long hikes and runs where the trails have not been totally shut down yet. Then I get reminded to remember my 6 feet separation even on the trail.
I was working in Morro Bay the other day and thinking about Celine who I hadn't spoken with in over a year. Then she text me out of the blue! So I drove over to her apartment which was right by where my client lived. It hurt to not be able to give her a hug or kiss after not seeing her in so long! I haven't had a hug or kiss in so long, all except for the cats..that is just in humane!
I really wish I had a girlfriend right now to go through this with. Just to feel a little bit more supported would make such a difference right now.



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