10:03 p.m. - 2020-03-31
There is a mockingbird that has been hanging out in a tree above my trailer. It just starts singing at random, mostly at night and into the morning when my alarm goes off at 5am. Mockingbirds tell us to be better communicators, but I'm not sure I really want to tell everybody how I feel.
I cannot get over just how anxious I've been. It's this sort of anxiety I feel when I'm going through a horrible breakup, trying to grasp at anything while feeling lost and out of control. There is a huge hole in the middle of my chest that I can't seem to fill.
I have not been flying in the mornings because of the dense fog. The state departments are all work from home so I doubt they'll be sending us our payments anyway.. it doesn't take much for them to put their contractors money on hold..
After my first bus express route in which I only had 3 customers...the only regulars left brave enough to take the bus.. my boss told me there was no runabout work so I can either hang out for 8 hours doing nothing, or clock out, take vacation pay and come back later for my last bus route. I decided today to just go home as it's been so depressing in the yard after they scattered our table and chairs from the breakroom. At least we are still working, or getting paid to standby because there is so little work. All the homeless have taken over sheltering in place on most of the bus routes. Because of that, the few brave regular riders who use the bus to get to work are getting scared away. They've been setting up camp inside the transit stations as well, drinking and causing trouble. It's all so pathetic.
Facebook has been upsetting me too lately. I don't know why I keep scrolling through it. I probably wouldn't if I wasn't so nosy about seeing if my secret crush posted something. Then I get hurt when I see that she didn't like or comment on one of my stupid post. What the fuck is wrong with me??? Why do I have to take everything so personally and become so fixated on one person???? I hate when I'm weak like this..I need to find something else to focus on other then my lack of connection I'm missing from people, from love right now.
I'm having sharp pains in my neck tonight..maybe this fucking virus will take me too.
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