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7:01 a.m. - 2016-05-11
Jen messaged me last night about Cortney's mom & sister's murder. She feels there is a big missing piece. I hate to admit it also, but I feel the same maybe a secret affair or she knew something. Whatever it was, it's still horrible, totally horrible!
I started reading one of my old journals from the time that Rose and I were together. I'm noticing so many parallel's between things that happened then and now. The feelings are much the same and it's starting to become me getting over what happened between Rose and I, then J and I.
Rose was very controlling and had to have things her way, just like J. Well at least that is what she turned into after her sweet side wore off. Maybe it was not like that with the other women she ended up dating..and man she ended up starting a family with. Maybe it was just how we fit together.
I remember she did apologize to me years latter.
The last time we were together was on my wedding. I paid for her ticket to come out. I could tell that she had mixed feelings about me getting married. She kept talking about this new girl she was dating and not focussing on me and my nerves. She tried to put the attention on her..or at least distract herself. Then after the wedding she and I ran out of the mission together under the ringing bell. Nobody was there and we looked at each other and said "it's just us again".. like it was suppose to be us, at least that was the feeling. We laughed and held each other until all the other people started coming out of the mission.
We were both so young when we were together. It turned into a very emotionally abusive relationship, co-dependent. It didn't start like that, it just turned into that. She'd do things to upset me, or she'd become distant so I'd come after her. One time I don't remember why..she upset me so bad that I drove all night to AZ to see her! I think she liked having that control over me and the games began.
I don't know if I should discuss all this with her now. The last time we spoke was over the holidays when my husband's aunt and uncle started going off on me on FB. She was so mad at them and wanted to help me, saying she was on my side. She always acted like my mother..oh Rose! A controlling, manipulative, over bearing mother! (Sounds like the way my own mother can be at times)
In the end, everything I did to try and impress her was never enough.
I think it's just how we fit together. I don't want to be like that ever again. I don't want a relationship like that ever again!



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