9:31 p.m. - 2016-05-08
The end of flowers
Took the kids out on the embarcadero today, then to play a bit on the beach.
Had a reading done with a psychic. She told me a bit of what I already knew. My heart chakra is totally closed, along with my root chakra being blocked. I have a huge blockage she wants to look into to see if she can help me with. I'm in survival mode about to go to war. I have a lot of legal issues with custody ahead of me, it's going to be a long battle. My husband has some info I don't, and of course will try to hire a nanny to watch the kids instead of paying me child support.
She said money looks good for me, and I got more coming my way, but I worry about money anyway when I shouldn't. Said it will always be there for me and I shouldn't worry.
Then she said I attract people and push them away. I didn't realize I did that, but she said it's because of past hurts and trust issues. I don't trust anyone..which I already knew.
Then she felt I had a chemical imbalance and wanted to know if they put me on meds recently..which I told her about the one anti-anxiety med I've started taking short term to get through all this. She said I could have a nervous break down soon if I don't get a grip on all this, and I told her I'm doing everything I can to help myself and she said she knows that, and wants to help me.
I've never felt this bad before. I mean 20 years ago when I took the same medication for a few months was after I got dumped, then physically attacked from a road rage situation..then lost my job. But it helped when I needed it, and I was on my feet again doing aerobatic training, then off to college. I want to get my shit together, and snap out of this. I'll do the work, I'm doing the work. I guess I'm just a bit scared, and very isolated now. But I did this all myself.
I saw J's photo's on FB tonight with that other new woman. At first I thought it was her mother! What the fuck is she thinking??? Is she that desperate? Why do I even care? Why? Why?
God I feel like so much of me has died. I feel like I'm frozen in the middle of a battle field, gripping my bayonet riffle..waiting..waiting. Everyone else is someplace warm living the life, and I'm still here fighting for them. I wish I could cry, but I forgot how. My tears are frozen. I hate getting drunk, it makes me too thirsty, unable to sleep and feel horrible the next day. I'm all out of vices.
Don't want to get up for work tomorrow.
My former student Kathryn betrayed me a few days before J did again. I had offered her time in my plane during my morning flights as she wants to be a commercial pilot too. So she did pay me for her endorsement, then I let her fly with me to build time so we could do her commercial training together in my plane. I gave her free general instruction, not the commercial maneuvers. She kept me posted on her home study progress. Then a few weeks back she told me she had been flying with this other instructor at our other airport. I asked her if she was planning to do her commercial training with him as well and she said "yes, but I still want to use your plane." I told her "are you kidding, there are only three pilots that instruct in my plane, Sal, Dean and myself..why would you even think something like that!?!" It was a very quiet flight after that. When we tied the plane down, she apologized saying "sorry for the misunderstanding", and I haven't heard from her since.
I thought about taking aerobatic lessons again, and maybe getting something I can do them myself in. Maybe that will get me excited and motivated again.
I miss my old job. I miss flying all over the state for patients that depended on me and my team of doctors. Now all I hear is nothing on the radio in the mornings..then my second job "the new post woman doesn't shut my broken mail box all the way...she doesn't push the mail all the way through the slot...I did not get my grocery adds on time."
Have to keep reminding myself this is just temporary to get caught up with bills and move me and the kids out. Then I can subcontract it out to other people and hopefully find a more meaningful job.
I need to just sit in the yard and draw my herbs and flowers. Not think of anything for awhile.
