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12:47 p.m. - 2016-05-08
Mother's Day
I don't even know where these months, years have gone. I do know that I've let myself down by not journaling.
It all started last October when my husband found my diary/blog I'd been writing on a private women only forum. A lot of my thoughts were written on women, and relationships I'd had with them. He copied the information and distributed it to his family members, who then harassed me.
I began my transition, and asked for a divorce with the encouragement of another woman "J" who was going through the exact same thing as me. I had asked the universe to bring me my perfect match, someone who was going through a similar life path as my own, and that I could bond with.
I met "J" on the same forum my husband discovered my blog on. We began an intense long distance relationship that lasted until a few weeks ago. Now I'm beginning the process of trying to figure out what all happened to me, to us in these past eight months of fighting, love, sex and betrayal.
She's moved on so fast, giving up on her therapy appointments and pursuing ever more relationships, perhaps out of desperation. Though that path is very tempting to me, I know it will lead to heartache, after heartache with repeated problems I've never learned from or gotten over. So a temporary sexual, or "love" situation will only make matters worst for me. Tempting like I razor blade dipped in honey...

I got my reading list picked out on audio books to listen to while on my new boring rural mail route:

The psychology of trust in work and David Desteno

The confidence game: What con artist reveal about the psychology of trust and why even the most rational of us are susceptible to Maria Konnikova

Lot's of journaling, and of course my therapist once or twice a week. I'm determined to get through this ahead!

Funny, just when you think your ahead of the game the universe throws something new at you!

I told a friend I'd been emailing, and texting with for about the same amount of time I had been with "J", that our friendship has become toxic and I no longer wish to continue it. We had a very intellectual relationship with our writing, but then all this emotional drama came up. She started criticizing me one day, then apologizing and making up the next. I could not stand the inconsistency of it anymore. It's too much for me to put up with now at a vulnerable time in my life. So I told her farewell and to go in peace, and she wished me well, but wants to write me a letter on what she learned out of our friendship. I sent her a wordless song instead. Music, most especially when there are no words can send a better message to the world when words fail to. You hear it with your soul, your heart with out the mind to analyze it, pick it all apart!

It's mothers day...better do something fun with my kids.



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