11:30 a.m. - 2014-08-20
grey clouds
Kept having nightmares last night..I'd wake, then go back to sleep and continue the bad dream. I dreamt that Sal had lent our plane to one of our neighbors I didn't even know was a pilot. I got mad and said "so you just gave him the keys, you didn't even bother to check him out". Then I could hear or plane's engine making weird sounds as it flew over us. Next thing I was told was he crashed and our plane was totaled. Insurance was not going to pay for it because we gave the keys to someone not qualified to fly it. "That's it, we're done, I want out of the marriage", I told my husband.
Then the other parts of the dream were him trying to order parts, including a new airframe to replace the damaged one. It went on and on with me waking, then sleeping in this story.
I still have not heard back from my new "lady friend", who would have gotten back from her trip with her husband. Maybe she's the wrong one for me. Maybe I just don't need someone who is wishy-washy and has too many family, and health problems. I'm just so burnt out on trying. In fact I'm burnt out on everything right now.
Chatted with my dear friend from the UK about it yesterday and I know she's been going through the same sort of thing with dating other women. But I promised her we'd always be here for one another and I need that steadiness in my life going through all this uncertainty.
I worked out really hard yesterday hoping maybe that it would snap me out of this. But all it left me was sore. I don't understand, I was feeling so happy in the weeks prior to this, and now I feel like the carpet was pulled from beneath me. I'm not happy about anything, and I have nothing to look forward to, just work and paying bills.
Sometimes I feel like my mind needs to latch onto something, a person, and idea or whatever. There is nothing for it to focus on right now, nothing that I trust so I feel like I'm floating in a grey cloud of nothingness.
