11:04 p.m. - 2022-09-15
Hard typeing with my cat insisting on laying on top of me and under one arm, but the purs win.
I've had a miserable time sleeping lately. Hot flashes plus worry over the pending train strike which would have doubled my work load, plus my daughter now got busting in school for vaping with friends in the junior high bathroom. I feel like the school was trying to blame me for it because she had complained to them about being left alone so much.
When I was a teenager all I wanted to do was be left alone! And why would her being left alone at home make her do drugs at school???
I should be writing more about what happened, but I already told enough friends today venting to them that I don't feel like writing it down here.
I have been also worried because Bev hasn't responded back to any of my messages and that is unlike her. Then "C" said she would call me last night but didn't..so I posted this meme "And thats the thing about people who mean everything they say, they think everyone else does too". Posted it on FB and within a few minutes she texted me, then called me. That easy..
Anyway she said she forgot and just went to bed after a bunch of family drama, and was sorry.
All day I've had bad anxiety and depression. I felt a little into it and it reminded me of how I felt way back when I was in highschool and I ran away to a friends house. My folks said it was ok to stay there a few days to cool down. But then a group of us decided to get some beer and go run around a school at night drinking. When it was time to go the only person who didn't drink said she'd drive but never drove before and forgot to turn on the headlights so we got pulled over. The cops called my friends mom and she was pissed so she dropped me off at my house in the middle of the night. So I sat there on the side of my house wondering what to do because I was too scared to knock and get in trouble again. So I ran off and spent the night behind a grocery store. It was freezing and I was scared. i didn't know what the best thing was to do. I didn't know where to go, so I just stayed there until morning. I don't remember, but I think eventually I met up with some other friends later the next day before going home..I just don't remember how that story ended.
But it was that same indecisive ad scared feeling I felt most of the day.
I love my new job but there are some things I don't like about it, that is the days are long and I'm worried about being gone so much, having my daughter get into more trouble. It's not fair that her father gets to travel and be gone for work, but I am restricted in what work I can do because he's had his job longer.
I actually would like to get out of transportation all together. I'm sick of drug testing, and sick of the possibility of losing my job if I have an accident. I don't really worry about either too much, but just one little fuck up, or even a false positive drug test and your out. I really just don't know what else to do because I've been in this field for so long. I really wish I could just work for myself..I need to come up with a plan and escape this!
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