10:41 p.m. - 2022-09-07
shooting star
I have so much on my mind tonight I don't know how I will sleep..
Last Sunday on my day off I went for a hike, then took C out to a fancy dinner. We seem to be getting closer and she's super affectionate with me. But I think she's one of those people who give a lot of themselves and want to help people in a selfless way, or maybe I'm wrong which I hope. It became clear to me that she had a pretty controlling husband, but I don't know what part she played into that, I mean sometimes there is some codependency in those situations as well. Last night we were talking on the phone and she had to hang up and call back. Then she said he called to make sure she was ok because she walked from their house over to her trailer (they live out in the country) a few hundred feet away! I'm not sure if that is being over the top protective or gaslighting someone into feeling fear of being alone in the dark..
She seems like she's slowly pulling more away from him (they are going through their divorce) but I think it's gonna take time. I'm happy to be friends with her through this process, but sometimes I feel like maybe there is something more there between us, or a spark of somesort. Of course I don't want to get hurt so I need to be cautious, but at the same time curious if and where this goes.
I've been listening a lot to my audiobooks while I drive at work. I'm especially into one of the old Seth books now, and it's funny because a lot of the concepts he spoke of when I was just a baby in the early 70's I've heard repeated through other more modern text. Especially the point being we are what we think we are, and we are what we fear. So if I think I'm fat I'm going to subconsciously do what it takes to maintain a weight where I am fat. Or if I think that everyone I'm romantically interested is out to trick me, that is what will happen. That sort of thing.
One thing I really liked that he spoke about was how we are so foccused on our shortcomings, and what we see as failures in the past, and we use that as a reason or excuse to where we are today. Like if we had say a history book with nothing other then stories of disasters, and failures of a country and used that to define the country today. Then I got to thinking about how much I always turn to the past when I get triggered and remember other such situations and try to heal them. But I get totally focused on that instead of remembering all the times when I did really well. I mean I focus more on my fails then accomplishments and that is not fair to myself. So I'm going to start trying to rethink the way I think about some of my past relationships, and try to highlight the good qualities, and wins I got from them, instead of only remembering and getting upset on how their endings played out. I just can't imagine going though the rest of my life thinking people are out to trick me, use me or abandon me, it's a very lonely way to live.
So tonight I was relaxing under the stars looking up and asking for a ufo or two to come out, then a brilliant shooting start flew right overhead! It had a long white, sparkling tail..so amazing! But then I heard my 13 year old daughter coughing, so I went and peeked through her window and caught her vaping some pot. I went into her room and snached it from her. I really didn't know what to say other then your too young for this and I won't allow it. How can I discuss anything with someone high anyway? And my worst fear is that I'll get blamed for it somehow because I'm always at work (doesn't matter her father only comes home on the weekends). I hope she doesn't do anything else. I get random drug test so I've been clean for so many years, same with her father. In fact we just had a conversations saying pot is so refined and complicated now we'd probably both freak out in paranoia if we tried any!
Ok I guess I better think about hitting the sack now before the hot flashes take over..
