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11:05 p.m. - 2014-02-24
pain, love and interviews
I'm an idiot for not writing here for so long, but as usual when a ton of stuff too fast for my life metabolism to digest happens, I back off.
So we had our Valentine weekend camping trip. She told me that she started dating a man she works with whose kids are older then her, and he's still not divorced because "it's complicated and she'll get everything". Yeah...
Anyway we got a late start and it ended up being camp for free weekend at the Pinnacles, so everything was taken.
we drove up the road closer to Hollister and found a great camp ground, and had our longed for full-moon hike there after all.
We both bought and threw a mound of blankets and pillows down to sleep on and we snuggled in the tent all night long. It rained in the morning and I nearly lost my iPad in the tent because of a stupid leak!
The next day we took a hike through the caves in the beautiful Pinnacles National Park. She said it was the best hike she's had in this state so far.
We were too tired and it got late to find another camp site after that, so we decided to drive back to my home. We drank and I made it an even greater point to mention my "ex-girlfriends" to her, just so she'd know. she never said a word. We slept in my bed and I asked her if she minded snuggling with me and she said "not at all" and again we held each other all night, it was perfect and over too fast.
So the whole time Sal has been talking with me about the Empire job and she said she wasn't really that interested because of the timeing and stuff for her. So I forwarded my resume to Sal's friend and got a call from his chief pilot today. We had a good talk, I really liked him over the phone. He's forwarding my paperwork to HR who will get in touch with me for more paperwork and then I'd have to get myself to Coeur d'alene for an interview and sim check. I texted her about this today and she said she got a call from them too. I told her "I thought you weren't going to apply" and she said Sal's friend talked her into giving him a resume, but she doesn't think the low pay is worth all the hassle so probably won't follow through, but kept encouraging me.
I can't compete with her! She has way more flight time then me, a steadier work history as I've only been flying part time and raising kids all these years. It hurts to imagine her lieing to me about this, in fact it blow me away as she told me she's been praying for my broken shoulder to heal and for me to get this job! Why is life such a fucking soap opera, or is it just mine???
I wrote a short story all of last week while I should have been studying. The pain meds for my fucked up shoulder have been messing with my moods, I've been in some sort of fantasy world. But, it felt so good to write. After I finished the story, I cried at my own ending and then felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulder, it was incredible!
So then in the middle of the night I sat up in bed with this overwhelming feeling to write again, (sometimes this happens to me) and I posted this on FB, full on thinking of her:
"A few things I long for: the mesmerizing rapture of the tide as it caresses the rocky shore, the taste of ocean brine on my parched lips, and the comfort of your arms."
My cousin made a nice comment, and then latter she posted a picture of herself on the beach and wrote under my writing how much she loved it. I only said "happy you noticed". She had to of known I wrote it for her right?
I wish I could see the big picture here. I wish I knew how she really feels about me, does she like me as much as I like her? Am I competition for her? Am I a girl-girl curiosity to her? WTF??
At least Sal and I have been getting along better. This Percocet has tripled my sex drive for some reason, which never happens when I'm on pain meds. So he's real happy and not worried about me running away with another woman.
Man I want this job. I want to for the first time be able to where a white shirt with stripes, show up on the ramp with my husband and all our friends and finally do the type of flying I've dreamed about all these years.
Wendy has been a big help talking to. She use to work for Empire and had a lot of good things to say about them and tips for the interview.
I'm going to do more sim work with captain Dean tomorrow and I'll do whatever it takes to prepare myself for this. I really want this, I really do, but I am scared of failure. I'm scared to fail and for people to talk about my failure behind my back. I don't even want to give energy to that thought now!!!
I think sometimes the pain pills make the pain even worst.



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