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10:05 p.m. - 2021-09-26
Run away.
I'm all over the place today emotionally. Had a hard time falling asleep last night so drank some Zzquil...I hate having to do that. Then I found out the schuman resonance was off the charts so that may have contributed to it.
Nobody in my clearing group felt like clearing anything so we just sat around and had a nice conversation. I really like getting to know this group Everyone is so unique in their own way and has something to contribute. But the rest of the day I felt just so low energy and like I only wanted to nap despite all the chores and other things I wanted to get done.
So I multitasked a bit, listened to a lecture from my online class while I did a few things, then layed down for the rest.
I got a lot of work done on my trailer this weekend at least..I fixed one of the beds..Sal helped because it was heavy and no way a one person job!
Now I just feel sad and a lot pf self pitty.
I was asked a few weeks back by my friend Sarah to lead this chat meditation in the evenings because I guess that is what everyone wanted. So I started and found it best to start off with something I sort of know and appreciate. I began writing out the meditations to read because I don't feel confident in impromptu just yet. The first one was ok and then for the next one I had my son help me with sound effects. I really worked hard on it. Then after we gave it last week they said they could not hear the sound effects in the background because it's just how Telegram..the app we are all on works. So I felt super disappointed because that was the main feature of my meditation..all the hypnotic background noises..not my boring voice!
I was really upset and kept apologizing for it.
After we all had a nice little chat and Alara asked me if I could fly us out to Mexico to visit Sarah. So we had a fun discussion on that.
The next morning I told Sarah I was really down because of how the meditation turned out and told her I don't want to make a bad impression on Alara or anyone. So she got on me for "emotionally abusing" myself, but I don't know I mean I guess in a way I do but I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt.
So then tonight watching SPnews Alara said hi to everyone but me in the chat..and later when she asked for feedback on tonights show she didn't acknowledge mine. So now I don't get it, she's usually really good and prompt acknowledging everyone..I feel singled out like maybe I did something to make her want to ignore me. Now I don't know what to do about Wednesday meditation. I don't feel like putting as much energy into it as maybe she doesn't want me to do it. Maybe nobody does and they are just being nice and tolerating me. I feel like flying off and disappearing for awhile..see if anyone even notices I'm gone.



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