11:12 a.m. - 2021-01-30
This was my first week back to work after recovering from the plague. The weather was insane, it was pouring with gail force winds most of the week. I had to sleep in the house because the wind was moving my trailer around so much, then we had a blackout so it got really cold.
My coworkers (most of them) welcomed me back and were so happy to see me. Several of them texted me everyday, and Garath even went to the grocery store and brought me soup. That made me realize just who my friends and allies are at work.
But then a horrible thing happened Wednesday night. I saw Francine when I pulled into the station. I had emailed her about me being sick as she never responded to my previous emails on the work meeting. She had emailed me back over the weekend saying that it's a "Aries thing" to just want to be alone and recover after intense activity during the week (her usual excuse for not responding) and then added all these other false facts about what I'm entitled to for Covid time off (I have no idea why she thinks I can get 3 months pto) and then tells me about her bladder infection and shopping for a new vibrator!!
So now after I digress as usual.. I'm in my shuttle bus and she comes running by and stops to wave high. I open the door and she was like "it's cold I'm going to go sit in my bus). So having ten minutes to spare I go over to hang out with her in her bus like I usually do and she won't open the door for me. She signals me to walk around to the side window and tells me she can't let me in her bus because I had Covid and she doesn't want to get sick from me! I was like "WTF are you talking about, I'm healthy and stood home longer then the county required, then got my release to work from them!" She didn't care, she spewed out a few things she said she heard on the news and then said "I can't believe your still standing out there in the cold". What a fucking bitch!!! We transport clients who have had Covid and the general public who we don't know everyday..she knows me and I take this totally personal, it's a total control thing with her because that is who she is. I kept making excuses for similar behavior of hers over the years. I kept making excuses to all the people who came to me complaining about her snarky remarks, or other ways she's pissed them off. These were all red flags that I totally ignored or found ways to rationalize!
You know I heard a voice while meditating saying "you need to look for patterns in your life", then I was recently told the same thing again during my last akashic session with Rebecca. Now I'm really seeing this pattern. The story may be different, but the dynamic is the same with me giving people second chances, ignoring red flags because I like the little bit of special attention they give me every so often. The attention is always inconsistant and they always retreat..the usual push and pull I get sucked into thinking.."oh this time they'll stick around, they are just shy or scared to be close and fully open up". No, they are all playing me, it's a power thing and I need to figure out what in me is attracted to this, and why I keep letting myself get pulled in.
I'm going to totally cut Francine off for the second time and this time it will be for good. I did it once and then after 6 months she was on leave she came back to me writing this letter of how much she missed me and I took her back into my life with the idea, oh it's just fun to flirt with her here and there. Then she started pulling me in again, and this whole scenario started up again. This was the final blow. I went up to her bus after work and threw her X-mas present down on the ground..she was "oh I don't have your gift with me" and I said "I don't give a fuck, you can burn it.." then stomped off.
I've been feeling icky since so I need to do some cord cutting ceremony, more journaling and meditating into all this because I don't want it to ever happen again.
The sun is out today and I'm wanting to go do some beach combing after a week of crazy high tides!
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