4:31 p.m. - 2021-01-18
risk
I had such an awful night last night. I kept waking up in horrible pain from my period. I'm wondering if the Covid made that more intense or something. I've been feeling depressed and on edge all day too. I mean I sometimes get like that after I've been sick and not doing much of anything physical for long periods of time, so maybe that is normal.
My mom just texted me saying I need to put my foot down and ask for a prescrtiption pain med for my cramps. I don't think doctors hand that stuff out anymore.. I only had one doctor who did and after years of seeing him I asked for more after I felt a cyst rupture horseback riding and he insinuated I had a problem.
Anyway, today I finally got out and went for a walk around the block, thought maybe getting some circulation going would be helpful.
But I have this nagging depression again and I'm trying to sit with it but having problems. I so badly just want to feel happy, and a sense of fulfillment, but just seems like those days have long since past. I'm just needing something new, some sort of spark to excite me again..something to look forward to besides getting better and going back to work.
It was nice chatting with J the other day, but it just seems like so much of our talks are about her problems lately. I should feel flattered people always feel safe to open up to me about their problems. I do feel flattered and I do try to help people, I feel like I can offer a unique perspective and it's easier for me to see their big picture then my own half the time.
I did go into a meditation yesterday evening because that's where my energy was pulling me. I followed this rocky path to a pull and saw J sitting in it. There were these beings in cloaks on a mound close by, and when I approached J they got closer to the edge of the pool. I put my arms around her for protection and support. Then she fell into the water and I followed her down thousands of feet into this blackness. I tried to surround her in it because the darkness can be very comforting when you just let go. I held a small heart shaped light and gave it to her, then I woke from my trance.
Today I see she posted she did do her self love ritual and another for protection. I love doing journey work for people and doing what I can to help without interfering. It's important to help our friends and people we love, that makes us all stronger. I haven't mentioned any of this to her, I don't want to push myself on her. I just don't like that I concern myself so much and let myself get involved in other people's problems. I also don't want to get too attached to her because I'm afraid I'll get hurt the same way she is getting hurt now. It's hard to lower ones expectations.
I have this overwhelming fear of abandonment or being played. I wish I knew how to get rid of it. I mean I see this happening to her, and I remember it happening to me and I want to be super cautious. I don't want false expectations, I don't want to misread anything. I'm just too scared to take a risk on love. Maybe one day it will come and I'll be ready for it.
