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8:44 p.m. - 2020-12-09
I'm just going to ramble on here. I started off having a good day. Cassandra bought be a Jamba juice, we hung out with the wild kitties and I even had a nice chat with J. For the past several days I have felt this heavy sort of male energy around me..not sure if it was someone I saw in real life, or maybe a movie that set me off.
So after work today I go back in the office and one of the supervisor gave me a letter from the department head saying that I got in my 3rd collision (not serious, no damage just touching another car or object) in the past 18 months and the first two don't count for whatever reason. But this one will and if I get in another I could be disciplined or terminated. Then there was a bit on an appeal process.
I spoke to my supervisor about it and he told me to just sign it and let it go, that's it mostly about not getting a safety award and he's not ever known of anyone to get terminated for accidents unless it was real bad. I asked him if he has known of others similar to me who have had a few and he laughed and said you'd not believe some of the stuff that happens.
The last one I had a week ago I had to pull into a crosswalk in order to see on coming traffic before I could make a turn. Some people jumped into the crosswalk and were trying to get around me..I didn't want them to go into the street so I put it in reverse to back up a few feet, they pointed behind me...I slammed on the brake and then felt something hit me. The guy was totally cool about it, there was no damage to either vehicle but he wanted to file a report because it was a lease. When my work reviewed the video they said that I backed into him and he didn't bump into me as I was backing up. It's weird because I didn't remember it like that and my passenger also thought someone hit us because I stopped before impact. So who knows what happened, all I know is that it happened within a few seconds and there is a thick wall of plastic behind me for Covid safety that it's hard to see anything out the back window.
Anyway, I just feel like shit and I'm so worried about driving now like anything could happen so quick. Something could distract me like my loud, longwinded client that day. I feel like I can't do anything right. Like I fuck every job I have up all the time. I had only one job that I could think of that I did everything right, it was perfect and they treated me so well. But that job was short lived when they sold the plane. I really don't know what I'll do if I loose this job. I wish I could find something I'm good at and that stays around long enough for me to retire from.
I don't know what's going on in the world anymore or where I fit in. I feel like I'm stuck in a sci-fi comic book, some futuristic graphic novel of a crumbling society. I just want to be safe.



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