1:43 p.m. - 2020-09-13
Not shy
Well nearly a week since I got back from my trip, almost and I'm still with the blues.
It's like the trip wasn't that super special, it was hard on me socially and maybe a bit physically as well because of the torn tendon.. but I still have this depression.
I don't get it, I'm always like this after a return from any trip I take..it's like I feel it slipping away from me, lost and going away forever.
I keep playing in my mind all the ways I could have made it better..I should have taken the day off before I left to pack instead of packing last minute after work and forgetting so many things! I should have smiled more, maybe lowering my mask to do so.. I should have been more talkative, should have told her this, and asked her that...
But now it's gone and really I don't know if I'll ever make it back to those islands in this life...I just don't know. Either way if I do end up back it will be a whole new trip, and I'll meet a set of all new people.
I often wonder if our lives are scripted before we enter them. Like why did this group of people end up booking this trip, and interacting all at the same time. Was there a purpose, a connection we were supposed to make?
I can't say I've made any deep soul connections on any of my vacation trips, but have made many friends and acquaintances that I now semi keep in touch with, mostly through social media. It feels good to see that they are still out there in the world exploring and accomplishing things in their lives..good to know.
I guess in a way I secretly hope I'll make some really strong connections with people, sort of like I'm still looking for my "tribe" while learning new stuff about myself when I travel alone, or with a friend.
I wish I knew how to make myself more approachable. I always put my guard up whenever I meet someone new, instead of just warmly welcoming them in. It's like I depend on them to open up to me first. People often mistake me for being shy. I'm not shy, I feel I can really be an open and chatty person with the right people. I just don't trust people at first, and I often feel invisible in groups of people.
This is one thing that totally stood out to me on this trip. And, I wonder if I'm recreating an incident that happened to me in my childhood. It was this slumber party where I got in a fight with this classmate I didn't really like much anyway. We were all pillow fighting and she charged after me, then tore the zipper on my robe and laughed about it. I went in the bathroom and hid, I was scared I'd get in trouble at home, and I felt in a way I was under attack. My friend's mom came to talk and coached me out of the bathroom. But then for the rest of the night the girls taunted me for being such a baby, and pretty much grouped up leaving me out of their circle.
Well that was the memory that came to me one night of the trip when everyone was chatting away around the campfire, but I had nobody to speak with because they were all paired off. So I ran down to the marina and sat looking out at the water. About 20 minutes later all the women came down to view the bioluminescence in the water,,I had no idea they'd do that. Everyone left but the trip leader stayed behind to sit and talk to me. I rejoined the group with her just in time for everyone dispersing to go to sleep in their tents.
I guess I really need to heal from that one slumber party so I don't have to replay it over and over again in my life! I don't want to be that scared little girl in the group!
