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11:43 p.m. - 2020-05-21
passive aggressive chickens
Closed my FB account today for awhile. I'm so sick of getting triggered by people on there and obsessively looking. I need a break and to just do my own thing.
Spoke to Jen Flip for a long time tonight. It's been so long since we've spoken on the phone and I don't know why! We chat all the time, but never call..weird. Good conversation. Can't believe we are still close friends since we were like 12. Funny how some people stay in our lives for so long. Anyway we caught up on everything, then I heard all this squeaking and rattling from the chicken coop..ran to see that a opossum had somehow gotten into the coop and killed one of the chicks. I quickly moved the rest of them into a large box and set them in the kitchen for tonight.
My study partner quickly sent me a website with the opossum totem description. Oh dear everything rang true for me. It was all about passive aggressive behavior. All I could think of is the people in my life..the women who have been triggering (hate that word) me so much and of course this all makes sense! But I told her I'm still going to "play dead" on FB for awhile as I need the headspace.
Garrath and I are going to go check out some motorbike this weekend. I told him I'm thinking about getting one just to learn something new and fun. He wants to try and set me up with some woman who just divorced her wife from the valley. I told him I'm not so sure about it.. As much as I'd love to be in a relationship now I feel like there is a lot of emotional baggage I need to sort through first. I only recently started the process of releasing the story and pain between me and Trina. I still can't look at pictures of us, most of them I had my son delete anyway. Been doing a lot of cord cutting and contract breaking. I never want to go through that again. I never want to let myself be so mislead, and just blow off all the redflags like I did with her. I'm learning to love myself now for holding on for so long. Two years I shoved all this crap away hidden from memory and look what it did to me. Sabotage any potential relationship I could have had up until now.
I'm worried that the salsa bars in the Mexican restaurants will never open again, and I love filling tiny cups with all the different flavors. Also worried about the Chinese buffet down the street. We've been going there for years and know the workers and their family..we've watched each other all grow up.
Hope I can sleep tonight, I'm still rattled after the bird incident and the stress of today. Why am I hungry now???



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