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10:44 p.m. - 2020-04-21
Had such a horrible night. I was awakened about 3am to peep panic sounds. I laid there in bed trying to convince myself it was just some random bird that probably got startled and to just go back to sleep. But they kept up, so I threw on my robe and slippers, grabbed my phone flashlight and ran into the backyard. I shined the light on the chicken coop and saw feathers and blood, then heard some scuffling in the bushes. I trekked across the wet grass trying to peek into the bushes but could not find the culprit, but I did find the dead chick. Heartbroken again I grabbed her, and the one remaining Silkie chick and ran over to m son's room pounding on the door.. "You forgot to take them inside and look what just happened", I yelled at him. He was really upset and took the black Silkie in with him.
I laid in bed for hours so upset trying to find something to comfort me. I knew I couldn't read myself back to sleep so I peeked on FB just to see if anyone else was having insomnia. Then I saw that J was on two hours prior and I began to focus on wondering why, then beating myself up about wondering! I popped some Ibuprofen because it sometimes helps me to relax enough to get back to sleep. When 5am rolled around I was thinking maybe I should just get up and go to the airport for an earlier flight. The temperature dewpoint spread was only one degree separate, so I knew I'd risk fog moving in..then I just felt really weird from a lack of sleep and being so upset that I skipped it.
Work was pretty busy, I had a lot of people to transport, even some new ones. I've always considered myself an introvert but for some reason I really enjoy meeting these people and hearing their stories. It's so interesting getting to know how they became handicap, at least most like to talk about it. Many of them had strokes and in some state of recovery from them. I have a few older women who were crippled in some ways from polio, a lot of dialysis men with missing feet or toes, a few blind people and one girl I really like who cannot feel what her legs are doing, so she uses a black lab to help guide her legs, and lay on top of them when she feels pain.
Later this evening I had my "Conscious girlfriend" online meetup group. They split us all up into pairs and had us discuss some of the things we are looking for in dating other women. Well the woman they paired me up with I found very attractive, and we had a lot to talk about that the 10 minutes just flew by. She is new to dating women and was just beginning to tell me about her experiences before we got sucked back into the larger group. Then the next topic we were going to discuss in zoom split ups was practicing with each other asking us out. The leader invited anyone in the group to message each other if we want to chat with someone we might be interested in. So I sent the woman I was last in private session with a message asking if she wanted to chat more about "coming out" and things like that and she said yes and gave me her number! We chatted a little bit tonight, but it was late so we said we'd continue tomorrow. I hope she either turns into a friend or someone special as it's been so long for me. But, because it's been so long I'm out of the loop and my expectations are low. It was good enough that she sent me her number, that was a nice little spark I haven't felt for so long! If I get more then that then it's an even bigger bonus, plus it's shifting my focus away from J right now, and since that's not going anywhere at the moment that is good for me!
I really need to what the hell is wrong with me??? This is not normal for me to feel so unmotivated and lazy! My butt is getting so flat and that really upsets me. Oh, I've also been seeing the numbers all day today just about everytime I look at the clock.. 1:11, 2:22, 3:33 etc. Wish I knew what it means and why some days I see them more often then others!
My mocking bird sang a quick song down to me as soon as I pulled into the driveway.
Oh, I'm totally getting into this show Katy told me about on Netflix "Derek". It's British and about this autistic man who works in a senior living center. It's a bit bitter sweet at times, but it's also so funny because I can relate to so much of it! Reminds me of my seniors I drive, esp my dementia group.. they are so funny!
Well, wonder what tomorrow will bring..



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