10:48 p.m. - 2020-04-12
Sometimes I feel all I'm here for is to listen to other people's issues. I don't know how to take that. Everyone seems to want to tell me all their problems, and stories without ever asking me about mine. I don't know if I'm just a bad conversationalist, like I feel rude if I try to turn the conversation around and talk about myself... But most of the time I just can't get a break from listening to people go on about themselves and their situation to where I can interject something about me. I'm not sure if anyone even want to get to know me as they are so busy talking about themselves! I don't know anymore if I should take that as a compliment that people trust me with their problems and feel safe opening up to me, or if I'm just an easy person to dump on.
I guess I can't say that about all my friends and acquaintances, maybe I'm just being too sensitive. This is about the only place I can write what's on my mind without being interrupted. Oh geez! But I do miss a good conversation..
Went on a hike yesterday with MTG for her birthday. I made her a little terrarium and painted a card of Chinese Houses flowers, mixed in with Chinese style buildings. We both like those wildflowers so I thought it be cute. We hiked about 4 miles and I scavenged some oyster mushrooms I found in the wood. (They turned out to be too wormy for me to eat though) Her husband saved me some chanterelles from his hike and those were really tasty.
MTG and me have some good conversations, but she is very opinionated, interrupts me when I'm speaking, and tends to dominate all conversations. She is very much an Aries and I think it took us both awhile to learn how to communicate with each other. Still, I'm her only friend (and she has so many friends) that she chooses to celebrate her birthday with each year.
On our hike I was so worried because the flower delivery guy called me to say he wasn't sure which apartment to drop the birthday cake bouquet to, so he left them at the gate. I was able to get a message to both R and A to let J know to go get her gift from us. But nobody could reach her. Then I started spiraling and worried maybe she was depressed, or hurt herself thinking back to CD's suicide before her birthday. I worried myself sick! Hours passed and finally she texted R that she was asleep but was so happy to get them.
Later she messaged me to thank me and we ended up messaging each other back and forth for most of the afternoon. We mostly talked about her illness and I tried my best to ask questions instead of giving advice or suggestions. The conversation went on into spiritual topics and she said she was really enjoying it, so that made me feel good. I just really want to get to know her! I'm not sure if she feels the same way, I just don't know what to think.
Today after waiting a few days she opened the gift I sent her. It was filled with little treasure...flower and herb seeds, old lesbian sexy novel, an old pendent I embroidered, obsidian, and black salt from India. I love putting together gifts like this! I have so much fun collecting, and assembling treasure gifts. Anyway, she thanked me for putting so much thought into it and giving her new things to research. I really wish she'd reach out to me more often...
Worked on my planter box garden today...got a lot done. Oh, that reminds me...I need to order some datura seeds. I'd love to fall asleep to their scent all summer long!
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