10:44 p.m. - 2020-04-05
Rain rain rain
It rained all day again..all day non stop! It's not supposed to end until Wednesday. I sat in my trailer most of the day staring at the wood paneling. Nothing sounded fun or interesting to me at all. Sunday service with my priestess was lovely and I wish there was a way I could have stayed to chat with all the other women across the globe who share the space with me.
Worried some for my old friend I reconnected with..her post sound so sad. So I gathered some fun things to send her for her birthday since she'll be stuck with all her plans destroyed. I'm the most depressed on my birthday. Usually everyone including my immediate family will forget and if it wasn't for the FB reminders I'd probably never hear from anyone. So I don't want it to be hard for her or any of my friends especially now! After I lost CD to suicide I need to stay on top of everything. I can't leave a text unanswered like I did the last one she sent me. I have to show up for any of my friends at the slightest hint they may be suffering. Is that selfish of me to do this because I don't want to live with the guilt of never hearing from them again? And it's not only CD, it was Elizabeth who I'd let too much time pass without keeping in touch. I just assumed she'd pop in and out again as my friend and lover like she had for so many years until I found out she'd been dead for a year and I had made zero attempts to reconnect with her!
Last night I had so many dreams about the ocean. The first I was standing at the end of a pier with not so many people out because they have been shutting down the beaches in my dream and in real life. I saw dolphins in the distance swimming closer. I ran back to the beach, I think to tell my kids or something, then when I turned around the tide came in super fast. Then as it receded I ran back out on the pier to see if I could get a better look. The sea then raised up and I started to run back to shore being chased by a huge wave. The wave crashed down and it's splash hit be behind knocking me down into the sand.
Then the rest of the night I was driving along I guess the one.. PCH and saw the most beautiful rocky beaches. I was with my mom and I think my aunt and we were fighting about something. I kept thinking if I were alone I'd pull over and run to the beach to explore. Then I'd appear standing alongside a cove. The water was deep bluish green, and a bit murky but I could make out dolphins and small whales. I kept running along the shore to get a better look.
Told Jennifer about it and she said she thinks it has to to with my resistance to things going on around me. I agreed and told her I should meditate and recreate the dream...only this time dive into the wave.
Tomorrow I start my new temporary Covid work schedule. I'm working 12:30-8:30pm paratransit only. It's going to be weird not working the 6:20am-5:30pm shift, but our company is going to pay us 2/3 the difference on the hours we loose until things get back to "normal" whatever the new normal will be. One of the rare companies that actually cares about it's workers and can afford to keep us on as they have too much to loose if we had to collect unemployment. So I feel blessed even though the overall pay could be a lot better, it's still stable work and I do feel appreciated by the company and many of my customers.
Shoot, my other friend MTG's birthday is coming up and there is not one antique or junk store open I can go get her gifts from! I'll have to be creative. Maybe I can make her a tiny nano tank with a betta or some guppies in it...
I really hope this Zquil kicks in..I'm having a hard time sleeping without it lately. I'd rather have some sort of prescription sleep remedy, but doubt I could go to a doctor to get one.
Maybe tomorrow I'll have better news to write...
